Tag Archives: Mental Health

Talk Truth and Hope for Help

Grandma and Grandpa Go West, , , , ,

Talk Truth and Hope for Help. My mother was mentally ill. Her dis-ease displayed itself in many ways. Rage and violence at one end of her emotional spectrum. Fear and brooding at the other. Everyone could see her tortured extremes. No one said a word about them.

I Overheard our Family Physician Counsel my Father. Doctor Benny could be harsh at times, but that day he was a gentle mentor. He told Dad my mother needed help and what kind it must be. Psychological help. My father flew into a rage of his own and sent Doctor Benny away.

People Like Us Don’t Go to Psychiatrists. My dad shouted that out in our empty family room. I shrunk deeper into my stairwell eavesdropping spot. I had no idea who “people like us” might be. Meanwhile, the door closed on Doctor Benny, and upon the rest of us as well.

The Family Secret was Saved but My Mother was not. She remained imprisoned in the fearful darkness of her affliction. She was shut away from possible relief as surely as if she had been locked up in a backroom with the key thrown away. Our family remained imprisoned with her, afflicted by secrets and silence. We denied the truth we saw, right there, in front of our eyes.

Openness would have Released Us from Our Prison. Openness would have invited hope into our mutually occupied backroom. Instead, we suffered there. Our mouths had been sealed by shame. Our hearts were clutched by fear. Secrets held us captive – my mother most mercilessly of all. What a gift it would have been if someone had spoken the merciful truth.

Jonathan and I Choose an Open Road. We make no secret of his dementia. Our families know. Our friends know. We know. Now, you also know. There are no secrets here. No locked rooms. No silence. No shame or embarrassment or even sheepishness. We have freed ourselves from all of that. Jonathan most fully of all. Talk Truth and Hope for Help

Not Everyone is Comfortable with Openness. When the subject of dementia arises, some people quickly change the subject. They are discomforted. Sometimes they fawn over Jonathan as if he were a wounded bird. Sometimes they turn away. Sometimes they disappear altogether.

Those who Turn Away are Themselves Afflicted. They are afflicted by fear. They are afflicted by the images broadcast on television. Images designed to create panic and sell outrageously expensive, inadequately tested pharmaceuticals. Those who turn away are more comfortable with the secret. Jonathan and I struggle to be more comfortable with the light.

I Remember that My Mother Almost Never Smiled. I hardly ever saw the smile in the above photo – not that I can recall. I think about how alone and lonely the mother I did see must have been. I remember how alone and lonely we all were. We were isolated in the dark backroom closet of our silence and shame. Never once did we Talk Truth and Hope for Help.

The Antidote for Darkness is Light. In the light we experience dawn. In the light a smile breaks through our fears. In the light love shines and can free us all. In the light my mother might have embraced the dawn – regained her smile – experienced at least a bit more freedom.

Lesson Learned. Let there be light.

  • A Moment of Shame. Was there a time in your family when a relative was the cause for embarrassment? Did this ever happen during your growing-up years? How did your parents and relatives respond to that situation? How did you respond?
  • The Choice of Silence. What was the most closely guarded secret in your family? Were you told about it directly, or did you find it out for yourself? Were you urged to keep silent about this secret? Did you do so? Or, did you challenge that expectation? Why?
  • The Fear of Exposure. Did you dread the consequences of family secrets coming to light? Did such revelations ever happen? What were the actual consequences? Do you think openness might have been a better choice, or not? Why do you think that?

Meanwhile Jonathan and I Face a Challenge. A wise friend gives two words of advice. Get help!! A family member offers financial aid. We are grateful for that but know we require hands-on allies. None appear – until an offer arrives from the other side of the continent. In that moment, with that possibility, our westward odyssey begins. Talk Truth and Hope for Help.

You possess storytelling magic. Keep on writing whatever may occur. AliceOrr  https://www.aliceorrbooks.com

Alice Orr. Teacher. Storyteller. Former Editor and Literary Agent. Author of 15 novels, 2 novellas, a memoir, and No More Rejections: 50 Secrets to Writing a Manuscript that Sells.

Read Alice’s Memoir. Lifted to the Light: A Story of Struggle and Kindness. At the beating heart of this moving story a woman fights to survive. All her life she has taken care of herself. Now she faces an adversary too formidable to battle alone. Available HERE.

Praise for Lifted to the Light: A Story of Struggle and Kindness. “I was lifted. I highly recommend this book as a can’t-put-down roadmap for anyone.” “Very, very well written. Alice Orr is an amazing author.” “Honest, funny, and consoling.” “I have read other books by Ms. Orr and am glad I haven’t missed this one.” “Couldn’t put it down.”

Thrill Yourself with Alice’s Suspense Novel Series. Riverton Road Romantic Suspense Series. Five intense stories of love, death and intrigue. Available HERE.

Praise for Riverton Road Romantic Suspense Series. “Romance and suspense at its best.” “I highly recommend this page-turner series.” “Twists and turns, strong characters, suspense and passionate love.” “The writing is exquisite.”

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Have You Lost Your Mind?

Grandma and Grandpa Go West, , , , ,

Have You Lost Your Mind? Not another argument. Please. Raised voices. Angry faces. Nothing gained. We have been here before. My husband Jonathan and me, toe to toe, like the roosters in the painting that flared from our living room wall before we boxed up everything we own to move west.

The Enterprise we were Contemplating was Absurd. Relocation from New York City, where we had first relocated forty-five years before, to the west coast. At our age? Jonathan was seventy-six. I was about to turn eighty-five. What were we thinking?

“Have You Lost Your Mind? Why are You Doing This?” Many of our friends had come close to asking the same thing. This one didn’t bother being subtle about it. “Because it will be good for Jonathan,” I answered. Jonathan had been diagnosed with dementia, an early stage of the disease, but nonetheless an arbiter of our future life trajectory.

“What Do I Do?” After the diagnosis, I asked this of another friend who had gone through something similar with her partner. Her response was immediate and adamant. “Get help!” This particular woman is not given to overstatement. I understood that and began my search the next day.

I Found No Help in our Immediate Vicinity. Folks were caring and concerned and compassionate. I deeply appreciated that. But, no one said what I needed to hear. No one offered day-to-day, active, physical assistance. That was what I would require as Jonathan’s condition progressed.

I Explored Public Program Possibilities. I assumed there would be some form of practical relief available there, Instead, I was told we’d have to be reduced to $2500 in assets before we qualified for help. In other words, we would have to be pretty much destitute to be eligible.

 The Assets We Did Possess Were Insufficient. We would eventually need to hire home healthcare aides. We could not afford to do that very often for very long. We had fallen into the crack all of us of average means dread. The pressure stressed us both to distraction. Have You Lost Your Mind?

Then – A Miracle Happened. I consider it a miracle anyway. Another friend piped up from the opposite side of the continent. “Come out here,” she said. “I can help.” Our turn toward possibility began with those words. I will not pretend it has been an easy passage – especially for me.

New York City Became my Dream Town when I was Fifteen. That dream had not diminished in wattage since it first captured my imagination all those years past. I had lived elsewhere but was never similarly enraptured. I was a New Yorker to my core.

This was Less True for Jonathan. He envisioned the west as an opportunity to be productive again for as long as was feasible. Retirement had been a mixed bag for him. Lots of leisure, but not enough structure, not enough purpose. Not enough challenged him where we were. He wanted to move on.

Still – for Both of Us – There was the Immensity of the Thing. Uprooting from our comfortable apartment in Astoria, New York. Plopped down into a land far far away. My granddaughter has told me that saying “OMG” is as juvenile as using three exclamation points. All the same – “OMG!!!”

Many Toe-to-Toe ShoutUps Ensued. The move was off. The move was on. Our worst duster was about my motivation. I said would go only because it was good for Jonathan. He could not accept that. We were now a week short of our planned departure. Somebody’s acceptance was imperative.

For a New York Minute I Considered a Solo Sayonara. I could take off on my own into the whirl of the universe. Throw my hands up and walk away from the argument. Ignore my responsibility to fifty-three years of marriage? Others have done so, haven’t they? I could escape.

Except for One Thing. All those fifty-three years ago I had fallen in love with Jonathan. I am still singing that song. No real choice existed for me, last-minute or any time. Land far far away, here we come. Grandma and grandpa go west. But the question persists. Have You Lost Your Mind?

Tell Your Own Mind-Loss Story. Have you ever done something someone else considered crazy? What was their argument for the insanity of your intention? What was your response? When and where did this happen? Describe your adversary. Why did this person care so much about what you might do?

What, specifically, occurred in this situation? How did you feel back then, while it was happening? How do you feel about it now? Write your story. All of it. Straight from your heart.

Tell Your Brave Leap Story. Recall actually taking this bold risk. What prompted you to do such a thing? What did you need/want to get away from? What did you hope to find elsewhere? How, specifically, did you muster the courage to go through with it? You are the hero of your life story.  Write it that way. But tell me – Have You Lost Your Mind?

You Possess Storytelling Magic. Keep on Writing whatever may occur. Alice Orr. https://www.aliceorrbooks.com

Alice Orr. Teacher. Storyteller. Former Editor and Literary Agent. Author of 15 novels, 2 novellas, a memoir, and No More Rejections: 50 Secrets to Writing a Manuscript that Sells.

Read Alice’s Memoir. Lifted to the Light: A Story of Struggle and Kindness. At the beating heart of this moving story a woman fights to survive. All her life she has taken care of herself. Now she faces an adversary too formidable to battle alone. Available HERE.

Praise for Lifted to the Light: A Story of Struggle and Kindness. “I was lifted. I highly recommend this book as a can’t-put-down roadmap for anyone.” “Very, very well written. Alice Orr is an amazing author.” “Honest, funny, and consoling.” “I have read other books by Ms. Orr and am glad I haven’t missed this one.” “Couldn’t put it down.”

Experience Alice’s Suspense Novel Series. Riverton Road Romantic Suspense Series. Five intense stories of love, death and intrigue. Available HERE.

Praise for Riverton Road Romantic Suspense Series. “Romance and suspense at its best.” “I highly recommend this page-turner series.” “Twists and turns, strong characters, suspense and passionate love.” “The writing is exquisite.”

Ask Alice Your Crucial Questions. What are you most eager to know about telling your own real-life stories? Ask your question(s) as a Comment following this post.

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