Tag Archives: Love Story

Speaking Falsehoods to Power

Grandma and Grandpa Go West, , , , , ,

Speaking Falsehoods to Power. My husband is a charming man. I had no intention of remarrying before I met him. Been there. Done that. Was miserable. My late Grandma’s wisdom told me “Not for you!” I always listened to Grandma. Then I met Jonathan. The rest is a fifty-three-year story that began with his charming smile in 1972.

Grandma and Alice at Two and a Half

Nobody Wants a Dementia Diagnosis. Any of us would most likely use just about any means necessary to avoid hearing those words or reading those test results or facing those prospects. Jonathan’s means of avoidance was his charm.

My Wife Says I Forget Things. Do you know a single wife who does not contend that her husband forgets things? “My wife says I forget things.” That is what Jonathan told his young doctor. Then he smiled. Then they shared a chuckle.

We Needed a Referral for Testing. Jonathan’s charm target was our gateway to a world class neurology staff a half-dozen blocks from our home. We already had strong connections there. Jon would be treated as an individual instead of a case file.

Early Detection was Crucial. The faster the professionals identify a disease the better it is for the patient. This is definitely true of dementia. Brain scan. Blood tests. Whatever is in the diagnostic kitbag as ASAP as possible. Too bad Jon’s lifelong characteristic deployment of the dimples succeeded. His doc deemed no follow-up necessary. Bye-bye to ASAP at our nearby facility.

Finding a New Facility was Crucial. We lived across the East River from Manhattan. I would have to search there. Lots of world class places. Huge. Formidable. Complex. I was duly intimidated. I waded in anyway. Across the river and into the medical bureaucracy. Speaking Falsehoods to Power.

Getting their Attention was Crucial. I faced a wall that seemed impregnable to me. A cheek-by-jowl array of massive structures like any major medical facility anywhere. These were the adversaries I was about to confront. I stared at that wall and felt myself shrink in significance by the second. Would they even notice me, much less hear my story?

Frustration Multiplied My Mettle. It took hard-fought months to get into one of those massive Manhattan facilities. On appointment day a waiting line overflowed the reception area into the lobby. It took nerve racking hours to get a brain scan scheduled. Too bad they could not fit us in for several weeks more. We needed a reroute to the human dimensions of our neighborhood.

Sling Shot Time Had Arrived. I knew I was no match for the powerful arm of the medical establishment. I could all but see the fist at the end of that arm clenched above me. I could easily imagine that fist pounding my tiny self and our predicament to bits. Like David, I had a single sling and some small stones to wield against Goliath. I had my determination and my words.

I Began to Obfuscate. I cannot say I lied because Grandma is listening. See her in that photo? She would rise from her resting place and rebuke me for a lie. Obfuscate is a safer description of what I did from then on with almost every gatekeeper I encountered. I made sure those encounters were never in person. They could not see my trembling limbs or my terrified eyes while I was Speaking Falsehoods to Power.

I Began to Obfuscate More Creatively. First, I only faked a doctor referral – or maybe two. They believed me!! Next, I pretended to be a doctor’s assistant. Changed my voice to sound medical. They believed me!! It occurred to me that these ruses might be most effective at the end of the day when folks were tired. I did what I believed I had to do and that worked also. My husband Jonathan’s brain scan happened where we needed it to happen. A half-dozen blocks from home.

I Never Got Over Being Terrified of Goliath. Surely the powers that always be would discover what I was doing. I told myself my motives were both right and righteous. My beloved needed help as fast as we could make it happen. Nothing must stop that. Not my own trepidation. Certainly not the possibility of sanctions by my bureaucratic betters.

Lessons Learned. Get your loved ones what they need and deserve. Remember David. Find yourself a sling. Drop your desperation into it. Steady your knocking knees. Take your shot.

  • The Moment of Need: Was there ever a time in your life when you or someone you love needed, perhaps even desperately, something that was blocked from ready access by powerful forces?
  • The Fear of Shattering: In that moment, did you dread, understandably, that speaking up to those powerful forces might shatter any possibility of alleviating the crisis for you or your loved one? Or, that you could make the situation even worse?
  • If You Could Do Anything: If you could return now to that crucial moment, and if you could do anything at all to de-escalate that crisis, what would that something be?

Jonathan’s Brain Scan Diagnosed Dementia. Treatment began and has proceeded positively so far. We focus on the hopefulness of that. Meanwhile, Grandma has not risen from her resting place. If she ever does, I suspect she might kiss me on top of the head like she did the day our long-ago picture was taken. I also suspect she might understand why – when necessary – I will be Speaking Falsehoods to Power.

You Possess Storytelling Magic. Keep on Writing whatever may occur. Alice Orr. https://www.aliceorrbooks.com

Alice Orr. Teacher. Storyteller. Former Editor and Literary Agent. Author of 15 novels, 2 novellas, a memoir, and No More Rejections: 50 Secrets to Writing a Manuscript that Sells.

Read Alice’s Memoir. Lifted to the Light: A Story of Struggle and Kindness. At the beating heart of this moving story a woman fights to survive. All her life she has taken care of herself. Now she faces an adversary too formidable to battle alone. Available HERE.

Praise for Lifted to the Light: A Story of Struggle and Kindness. “I was lifted. I highly recommend this book as a can’t-put-down roadmap for anyone.” “Very, very well written. Alice Orr is an amazing author.” “Honest, funny, and consoling.” “I have read other books by Ms. Orr and am glad I haven’t missed this one.” “Couldn’t put it down.”

Experience Alice’s Suspense Novel Series. Riverton Road Romantic Suspense Series. Five intense stories of love, death and intrigue. Available HERE.

Praise for Riverton Road Romantic Suspense Series. “Romance and suspense at its best.” “I highly recommend this page-turner series.” “Twists and turns, strong characters, suspense and passionate love.” “The writing is exquisite.”

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Ask Alice Your Crucial Questions. What are you most eager to know about telling your own real-life stories? Ask your question(s) as a Comment following this post.

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Oh No! I’m a Caregiver

Grandma and Grandpa Go West, , , , ,

Oh No! I’m a Caregiver. Grandma and Grandpa go west. Here’s how our journey actually began. I have written and taught and talked about how others can discover the best stories they have to tell. Stories from the center of their beating hearts. Now I have such a story myself.

A Cautionary Tale and an Important One. Why cautionary? Because it is about dementia, among other things. Dementia is a reality none of us wants to face, but face it we must. Why important? Because this story is also about long life, living well, and never too late. Each very important indeed.

My First Inkling Something Terrible was Happening? I know it was long before the day my husband Jonathan walked blithely out the door to what should have been a beneficial medical appointment. I also now know I should have questioned his insistence on going alone. Oh No! I’m a Caregiver

I had Sensed a Terrible Thing Looming. Maybe for as long as a year before that day. A quirk in the corner of my awareness. A ping of the antenna that usually urges me to pay attention to details. Unfortunately, my full attention would not become engaged until later. Not until the quirk turned into an alert. Not until the ping intensified into the screech of trouble careening toward us.

 I Cannot Tell You Exactly What to Look For. One small signal. Then another. Then another. My signals emerged from the experience of fifty-plus years with Jonathan. Not an easy passage – though I have never broadcast that before. I have portrayed us and our marriage as very easy indeed.

Couple Number One. Somebody declared us that once as we swept into some social event or other. Dolled up and delightful was our habit in those days. Scripted to present the intended image. A friend said. “… the kind of relationship I would have liked to have.” Our intention had been achieved.

The Intention Here is to be Authentic. The story of a real dilemma confronting real humans with real human problems. Most dementia stories focus on the details of the disease, not the details of the flawed lives the disease generally interrupts. Jonathan and I are flawed. Most humans are flawed.

Back to First inklings. Moments of confusion I brushed aside. Contemporary life can be confusing. Sometimes I find it difficult to discern what is up from what is down myself. Then, Jonathan’s memory lapses became more frequent. My inner alarm started pinging too insistently to ignore. Oh No! I’m a Caregiver

Let’s Find Out about This. I repeated that plea several times. The response was always the same. A sneer. A scoff. A burst of outrage. I backed off each time. I had veered too close to Jonathan’s anxiety triggers before and was not about to risk the result again. Not yet anyway.

I also Have a Temper – Fierce and Angry – Then Gone. Jonathan’s temper is usually repressed. Rageful when released. Building from the floor of him in a rush to explosion with shrapnel flying everywhere. Better not to be in that blast zone. Best not to trigger an explosion in the first place.

But I Had to Do Something. Jonathan’s annual primary care physician checkup was pending. I made my plea more specific. “Talk to her about your memory problems. Please. Get a referral to a neurologist.” He agreed. I should have remembered he does that when he wants to shut me up. Oh No! I’m a Caregiver

I Long to Recall the Exact Details of Jon’s Return Home. Where I stood. The quality of light in our apartment that afternoon. A vivid image to record in my journal. A picture peg upon which to hang the statement that signaled the first battle of the war to come that I would have to wage.

I Told Her My Wife Thinks I Forget Things. Jonathan smirked as he said that to me. It wasn’t difficult to imagine his winsome smile as he said it to his young doctor. Jonathan can be a charmer when that suits his purpose. Had he not charmed me into marrying him all those years before? Oh No! I’m a Caregiver

Lessons Learned. Feel free to benefit from them yourself.

  • Never Underestimate the Power of Denial. Nobody wants dementia. Not for yourself. Not for someone you love. It is a truth we do not wish to admit. Now or ever. Not to anyone.
  • Never Underestimate the Power of Self-Deception. First inclination is refusal to admit dementia exists in your life. To be blind to its presence and believe your blindness is light.
  • Never Underestimate the Absolutely Crucial Advantage of Early Detection. This is the real reason to see and recognize and admit the possibility of dementia where you wish and hope and pray it is not. Your quality of life depends on it.

All Wives Think their husbands Forget Things. That assumption closed the door to further testing at our conveniently local medical facility. Jonathan’s gatekeeper physician did not take me seriously.  Which plummeted me into a chasm of conflict with the medical system. Oh No! I’m a Caregiver

You Possess Storytelling Magic. Keep on Writing whatever may occur. Alice Orr. https://www.aliceorrbooks.com

 Alice Orr. Teacher. Storyteller. Former Editor and Literary Agent. Author of 15 novels, 2 novellas, a memoir, and No More Rejections: 50 Secrets to Writing a Manuscript that Sells.

 Read Alice’s Memoir. Lifted to the Light: A Story of Struggle and Kindness. At the beating heart of this moving story a woman fights to survive. All her life she has taken care of herself. Now she faces an adversary too formidable to battle alone. Available HERE.

 Praise for Lifted to the Light: A Story of Struggle and Kindness. “I was lifted. I highly recommend this book as a can’t-put-down roadmap for anyone.” “Very, very well written. Alice Orr is an amazing author.” “Honest, funny, and consoling.” “I have read other books by Ms. Orr and am glad I haven’t missed this one.” “Couldn’t put it down.”

 Experience Alice’s Suspense Novel Series. Riverton Road Romantic Suspense Series. Five intense stories of love, death and intrigue. Available HERE.

 Praise for Riverton Road Romantic Suspense Series. “Romance and suspense at its best.” “I highly recommend this page-turner series.” “Twists and turns, strong characters, suspense and passionate love.” “The writing is exquisite.”

 Ask Alice Your Crucial Questions. What are you most eager to know about telling your own real-life stories? Ask your question(s) as a Comment following this post.

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Ponder the Preciousness – Our Dementia Story

Dementia Story, , , ,

Ponder the Preciousness – Our Dementia Story. Once Upon a Time – on a day just past fifty-two years ago – I was too harried to be nervous. The next several hours were my wedding gift for my husband-to-be. My Jonathan. I had kept it all a secret. He had no idea what was planned.

A Hundred Details were Yet to be Addressed. I had made many lists as always. Thank heaven for that because soon our little house on Burnup Road in Black River, New York would be overrun by my women friends impatient to take charge .

Ours was a Homemade Wedding from the Start. This day would be everything my previous marriage that crashed and vanished had never been. No upscale impressive venue. No silver embossed matchbooks. Only the golden-hearted efforts of our precious personal community.

The Cake was Baked by a Relative’s Roommate. The turkey and ham were from the ovens of our mothers in law. Hors d’oeuvres and salads were concocted in our own kitchen that very day by a sisterhood of strong women wielding vegetable peelers and powerful opinions.

The Sisterhood Forced Me Out Eventually. I had found my nervousness and was causing too much fuss. Off I went with a bridesmaid to be gowned in hippie homespun still waiting for a hem and soft slippers to keep my clumsy self from stumbling down the aisle.

I Cannot Remember Getting to the Church. Jonathan and I walked to the altar together. Nobody owned me so I did not need to be given away. Neither did he. I can remember every step we took. To this very day – I Ponder the Preciousness – Our Dementia Story.

I Designed the Ceremony to Reflect Our Love. Still, what happened that day astonished even me. Thanks to the passion of the players. A profound reading from a beloved friend. A soulful song composed and performed by my brother. An inspired blessing by a former priest in flowing robes. Jonathan reveled in everything as I had hoped he would.

Also Surprises I had not Planned. My son created beautiful baskets of wildflowers and roses for my bridesmaids. A vintage Cadillac at the church door whisked us away to our Burnup Road reception. Coworkers had filled our bathtub with ice and champagne bottles.

All Day Long Memories were Born. Moments that caught in our hearts. Moments to split your seams with laughter. Moments bathed by tears. Moments as sunlit as the yellow rose bouquet I never tossed to anyone because I could not bear to let it go.

We have Lived a Half-Century of Memories Since Then. Adventures. Struggles. Triumphs. Disappointments. Joy. Astonishment. Regret. Celebration. Tragedy too because our Once Upon a Time has been reality not fairy tale. Now we Ponder the Preciousness – Our Dementia Story.

LESSON LEARNED – Perpetually ponder every preciousness.

**********

You possess storytelling magic. Keep on writing whatever may occur. AliceOrr https://www.aliceorrbooks.com

Alice Orr is a number of things. Teacher. Storyteller. Former Editor and Literary Agent. Author of 15 novels, 2 novellas, a memoir, and No More Rejections: 50 Secrets to Writing a Manuscript that Sells. She also blogs for writers and readers at https://www.aliceorrbooks.com.

Alice’s Memoir is titled Lifted to the Light: A Story of Struggle and Kindness. At the beating heart of this moving story a woman fights her own disease disaster. All her life she has taken care of herself. Now she faces an adversary too formidable to battle alone. An inspiring read available HERE.

Praise for Lifted to the Light: A Story of Struggle and Kindness: “I was lifted. I highly recommend this book as a can’t-put-down roadmap for anyone.” “Outstanding read. Very, very well written. Alice Orr is an amazing author.” “Honest, funny, and consoling.” “Ms. Orr is a fine, sensitive author and woman. I have read other books by her and am glad I haven’t missed this one.” “Couldn’t put it down.”

Ask Alice Your Crucial Questions. What are you most eager to know? About Alice and Jonathan’s experience? About telling your own stories? Ask your questions in the Comments section at the end of this post. Or email Alice at aliceorrbooks@gmail.com. She would love to hear from you.

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