Tag Archives: dementia

Our Road West Hits A Sharp Turn

Grandma and Grandpa Go West, , , , , , , , ,

Our Road West Hits a Sharp Turn. What we thought was the whole truth turns out to be part truth or no truth at all. The bright light of new knowledge reveals secrets. Everything changes. Unfortunately for the worse. The stakes soar. I am a fiction writer. A plot twist like this enlivens a novel. A twist like this is much less enjoyable in real life. And we were plot twisted for sure.

First Shock – the Unreliable Narrator. People we trust tell us a story. We base our journey on that narrative. Eventually we learn they have not told the story accurately. They were either lying or somehow lacked the knowledge needed to tell the truth. We have been misled. Everything we previously believed is suddenly rendered unbelievable. Our entire enterprise is cast into doubt

We must Figure Out What is True and What is Not True. We had believed these people to be our friends. We were convinced they had our best interests at heart. Maybe that was the case. Maybe it was not. We can no longer be certain of anything. Up to and including this moment of revelation we had no reason to doubt the story we were told. Now we are totally bewildered.

Next Shock – the Red Herring. Our attention was drawn away from the truth. Our gaze was directed to glowing photos of our destination. We were dazzled by impressive websites of the projects we would participate in there. In reality – the place turned out to be a dump. The projects did not exist. Not in offline life anyway. Our Road West Hits a Sharp Turn.

Red Herrings Work Well in Suspense Novels. Truth is revealed.  Readers are surprised. They smack their foreheads and exclaim, “I should have seen that coming. Why didn’t I figure that out myself?” The surprise is nonetheless enjoyable. That red herring is a device in a fiction story. In real life there is no enjoyment. There is disillusionment and a rude awakening. A very rude awakening.

Another Shock – the Epiphany. Our long-time friends always portrayed themselves as reliable. Information to the contrary has now been revealed. A bright light is trained upon a dark corner. We are forced to experience an epiphany about those friendships. In a novel such a twist is fortunate for the storytelling. In our actual lives it was only unsettling. Very unsettling.

We must Re-Examine Our Journey for Missteps. What did we do wrong? Why were we so readily led astray by what is now so obviously false? We are intelligent people. How could we be so easily duped? Exploited? Maybe even scammed. We look back. We see clear clues we ignored. We realize we should not have done that. Did we simply want too desperately to believe? We must take responsibility for that – for all of it. Our Road West Hits a Sharp Turn.

One Possible Consolation is Poetic Justice. The exploited are saved by their virtues. A satisfying ending occurs. God is in His heaven. All’s right with the world. In our lives we were exploited but not faultless. God gifts us with a crucial virtue anyway. We are guided to truths we need to know. This time we respond from sadder but wiser hearts. We must now save ourselves.

You May Have Your Own Similar Stories. Tell your stories – if only to yourself.

  • A Moment of Need to Believe. Was there ever a time in your life when you wanted very badly for your circumstances to change? A time when you were presented with an opportunity for that change to happen and needed that promise to be true? When in your life did this occur? What was the promise? What drew you to it so strongly?
  • Choice amidst Possible Risk. Were there foreseeable dangers in grasping this possible opportunity? Could the outcome be something other than what you hoped for or were promised? What advice were you given by family and friends? Did you listen?
  • Doing It Anyway. Was there ever a time when you disregarded whatever warnings there might be and made the risky choice anyway? What did you do? What happened? If you have never done such a thing, imagine doing so. What happens and how does it feel?

Lesson Learned – Fall down seven times. Get up eight.

We Make a Shame-Faced Admission of Misplaced Trust. We allowed our need to believe to undermine our common sense. A fresh direction is required. We can turn around and go back east where we long belonged. Or move on. What will we do? Further choices and adventures await. Surprises too. Maybe even another chapter where Our Road West Hits a Sharp Turn.

You possess storytelling magic. Keep on writing whatever may occur. AliceOrr  https://www.aliceorrbooks.com

Alice Orr. Teacher. Storyteller. Former Editor and Literary Agent. Author of 15 novels, 2 novellas, a memoir, and No More Rejections: 50 Secrets to Writing a Manuscript that Sells.

Read Alice’s Memoir. Lifted to the Light: A Story of Struggle and Kindness. At the beating heart of this moving story a woman fights to survive. All her life she has taken care of herself. Now she faces an adversary too formidable to battle alone. Available HERE.

Praise for Lifted to the Light: A Story of Struggle and Kindness. “I was lifted. I highly recommend this book as a can’t-put-down roadmap for anyone.” “Very, very well written. Alice Orr is an amazing author.” “Honest, funny, and consoling.” “I have read other books by Ms. Orr and am glad I haven’t missed this one.” “Couldn’t put it down.”

Thrill Yourself with Alice’s Suspense Novel Series. Riverton Road Romantic Suspense Series. Five intense stories of love, death and intrigue. Available HERE.

Praise for Riverton Road Romantic Suspense Series. “Romance and suspense at its best.” “I highly recommend this page-turner series.” “Twists and turns, strong characters, suspense and passionate love.” “The writing is exquisite.”

Follow Alice on Substack. https://aliceorr.substack.com/

Ask Alice Your Crucial Questions. What are you most eager to know about telling your own real-life stories? Ask your questions as a Comment following this post.

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Talk Truth and Hope for Help

Grandma and Grandpa Go West, , , , ,

Talk Truth and Hope for Help. My mother was mentally ill. Her dis-ease displayed itself in many ways. Rage and violence at one end of her emotional spectrum. Fear and brooding at the other. Everyone could see her tortured extremes. No one said a word about them.

I Overheard our Family Physician Counsel my Father. Doctor Benny could be harsh at times, but that day he was a gentle mentor. He told Dad my mother needed help and what kind it must be. Psychological help. My father flew into a rage of his own and sent Doctor Benny away.

People Like Us Don’t Go to Psychiatrists. My dad shouted that out in our empty family room. I shrunk deeper into my stairwell eavesdropping spot. I had no idea who “people like us” might be. Meanwhile, the door closed on Doctor Benny, and upon the rest of us as well.

The Family Secret was Saved but My Mother was not. She remained imprisoned in the fearful darkness of her affliction. She was shut away from possible relief as surely as if she had been locked up in a backroom with the key thrown away. Our family remained imprisoned with her, afflicted by secrets and silence. We denied the truth we saw, right there, in front of our eyes.

Openness would have Released Us from Our Prison. Openness would have invited hope into our mutually occupied backroom. Instead, we suffered there. Our mouths had been sealed by shame. Our hearts were clutched by fear. Secrets held us captive – my mother most mercilessly of all. What a gift it would have been if someone had spoken the merciful truth.

Jonathan and I Choose an Open Road. We make no secret of his dementia. Our families know. Our friends know. We know. Now, you also know. There are no secrets here. No locked rooms. No silence. No shame or embarrassment or even sheepishness. We have freed ourselves from all of that. Jonathan most fully of all. Talk Truth and Hope for Help

Not Everyone is Comfortable with Openness. When the subject of dementia arises, some people quickly change the subject. They are discomforted. Sometimes they fawn over Jonathan as if he were a wounded bird. Sometimes they turn away. Sometimes they disappear altogether.

Those who Turn Away are Themselves Afflicted. They are afflicted by fear. They are afflicted by the images broadcast on television. Images designed to create panic and sell outrageously expensive, inadequately tested pharmaceuticals. Those who turn away are more comfortable with the secret. Jonathan and I struggle to be more comfortable with the light.

I Remember that My Mother Almost Never Smiled. I hardly ever saw the smile in the above photo – not that I can recall. I think about how alone and lonely the mother I did see must have been. I remember how alone and lonely we all were. We were isolated in the dark backroom closet of our silence and shame. Never once did we Talk Truth and Hope for Help.

The Antidote for Darkness is Light. In the light we experience dawn. In the light a smile breaks through our fears. In the light love shines and can free us all. In the light my mother might have embraced the dawn – regained her smile – experienced at least a bit more freedom.

Lesson Learned. Let there be light.

  • A Moment of Shame. Was there a time in your family when a relative was the cause for embarrassment? Did this ever happen during your growing-up years? How did your parents and relatives respond to that situation? How did you respond?
  • The Choice of Silence. What was the most closely guarded secret in your family? Were you told about it directly, or did you find it out for yourself? Were you urged to keep silent about this secret? Did you do so? Or, did you challenge that expectation? Why?
  • The Fear of Exposure. Did you dread the consequences of family secrets coming to light? Did such revelations ever happen? What were the actual consequences? Do you think openness might have been a better choice, or not? Why do you think that?

Meanwhile Jonathan and I Face a Challenge. A wise friend gives two words of advice. Get help!! A family member offers financial aid. We are grateful for that but know we require hands-on allies. None appear – until an offer arrives from the other side of the continent. In that moment, with that possibility, our westward odyssey begins. Talk Truth and Hope for Help.

You possess storytelling magic. Keep on writing whatever may occur. AliceOrr  https://www.aliceorrbooks.com

Alice Orr. Teacher. Storyteller. Former Editor and Literary Agent. Author of 15 novels, 2 novellas, a memoir, and No More Rejections: 50 Secrets to Writing a Manuscript that Sells.

Read Alice’s Memoir. Lifted to the Light: A Story of Struggle and Kindness. At the beating heart of this moving story a woman fights to survive. All her life she has taken care of herself. Now she faces an adversary too formidable to battle alone. Available HERE.

Praise for Lifted to the Light: A Story of Struggle and Kindness. “I was lifted. I highly recommend this book as a can’t-put-down roadmap for anyone.” “Very, very well written. Alice Orr is an amazing author.” “Honest, funny, and consoling.” “I have read other books by Ms. Orr and am glad I haven’t missed this one.” “Couldn’t put it down.”

Thrill Yourself with Alice’s Suspense Novel Series. Riverton Road Romantic Suspense Series. Five intense stories of love, death and intrigue. Available HERE.

Praise for Riverton Road Romantic Suspense Series. “Romance and suspense at its best.” “I highly recommend this page-turner series.” “Twists and turns, strong characters, suspense and passionate love.” “The writing is exquisite.”

Follow Alice on Substack. https://aliceorr.substack.com/

Ask Alice Your Crucial Questions. What are you most eager to know about telling your own real-life stories? Ask your questions as a Comment following this post.

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Speaking Falsehoods to Power

Grandma and Grandpa Go West, , , , , ,

Speaking Falsehoods to Power. My husband is a charming man. I had no intention of remarrying before I met him. Been there. Done that. Was miserable. My late Grandma’s wisdom told me “Not for you!” I always listened to Grandma. Then I met Jonathan. The rest is a fifty-three-year story that began with his charming smile in 1972.

Grandma and Alice at Two and a Half

Nobody Wants a Dementia Diagnosis. Any of us would most likely use just about any means necessary to avoid hearing those words or reading those test results or facing those prospects. Jonathan’s means of avoidance was his charm.

My Wife Says I Forget Things. Do you know a single wife who does not contend that her husband forgets things? “My wife says I forget things.” That is what Jonathan told his young doctor. Then he smiled. Then they shared a chuckle.

We Needed a Referral for Testing. Jonathan’s charm target was our gateway to a world class neurology staff a half-dozen blocks from our home. We already had strong connections there. Jon would be treated as an individual instead of a case file.

Early Detection was Crucial. The faster the professionals identify a disease the better it is for the patient. This is definitely true of dementia. Brain scan. Blood tests. Whatever is in the diagnostic kitbag as ASAP as possible. Too bad Jon’s lifelong characteristic deployment of the dimples succeeded. His doc deemed no follow-up necessary. Bye-bye to ASAP at our nearby facility.

Finding a New Facility was Crucial. We lived across the East River from Manhattan. I would have to search there. Lots of world class places. Huge. Formidable. Complex. I was duly intimidated. I waded in anyway. Across the river and into the medical bureaucracy. Speaking Falsehoods to Power.

Getting their Attention was Crucial. I faced a wall that seemed impregnable to me. A cheek-by-jowl array of massive structures like any major medical facility anywhere. These were the adversaries I was about to confront. I stared at that wall and felt myself shrink in significance by the second. Would they even notice me, much less hear my story?

Frustration Multiplied My Mettle. It took hard-fought months to get into one of those massive Manhattan facilities. On appointment day a waiting line overflowed the reception area into the lobby. It took nerve racking hours to get a brain scan scheduled. Too bad they could not fit us in for several weeks more. We needed a reroute to the human dimensions of our neighborhood.

Sling Shot Time Had Arrived. I knew I was no match for the powerful arm of the medical establishment. I could all but see the fist at the end of that arm clenched above me. I could easily imagine that fist pounding my tiny self and our predicament to bits. Like David, I had a single sling and some small stones to wield against Goliath. I had my determination and my words.

I Began to Obfuscate. I cannot say I lied because Grandma is listening. See her in that photo? She would rise from her resting place and rebuke me for a lie. Obfuscate is a safer description of what I did from then on with almost every gatekeeper I encountered. I made sure those encounters were never in person. They could not see my trembling limbs or my terrified eyes while I was Speaking Falsehoods to Power.

I Began to Obfuscate More Creatively. First, I only faked a doctor referral – or maybe two. They believed me!! Next, I pretended to be a doctor’s assistant. Changed my voice to sound medical. They believed me!! It occurred to me that these ruses might be most effective at the end of the day when folks were tired. I did what I believed I had to do and that worked also. My husband Jonathan’s brain scan happened where we needed it to happen. A half-dozen blocks from home.

I Never Got Over Being Terrified of Goliath. Surely the powers that always be would discover what I was doing. I told myself my motives were both right and righteous. My beloved needed help as fast as we could make it happen. Nothing must stop that. Not my own trepidation. Certainly not the possibility of sanctions by my bureaucratic betters.

Lessons Learned. Get your loved ones what they need and deserve. Remember David. Find yourself a sling. Drop your desperation into it. Steady your knocking knees. Take your shot.

  • The Moment of Need: Was there ever a time in your life when you or someone you love needed, perhaps even desperately, something that was blocked from ready access by powerful forces?
  • The Fear of Shattering: In that moment, did you dread, understandably, that speaking up to those powerful forces might shatter any possibility of alleviating the crisis for you or your loved one? Or, that you could make the situation even worse?
  • If You Could Do Anything: If you could return now to that crucial moment, and if you could do anything at all to de-escalate that crisis, what would that something be?

Jonathan’s Brain Scan Diagnosed Dementia. Treatment began and has proceeded positively so far. We focus on the hopefulness of that. Meanwhile, Grandma has not risen from her resting place. If she ever does, I suspect she might kiss me on top of the head like she did the day our long-ago picture was taken. I also suspect she might understand why – when necessary – I will be Speaking Falsehoods to Power.

You Possess Storytelling Magic. Keep on Writing whatever may occur. Alice Orr. https://www.aliceorrbooks.com

Alice Orr. Teacher. Storyteller. Former Editor and Literary Agent. Author of 15 novels, 2 novellas, a memoir, and No More Rejections: 50 Secrets to Writing a Manuscript that Sells.

Read Alice’s Memoir. Lifted to the Light: A Story of Struggle and Kindness. At the beating heart of this moving story a woman fights to survive. All her life she has taken care of herself. Now she faces an adversary too formidable to battle alone. Available HERE.

Praise for Lifted to the Light: A Story of Struggle and Kindness. “I was lifted. I highly recommend this book as a can’t-put-down roadmap for anyone.” “Very, very well written. Alice Orr is an amazing author.” “Honest, funny, and consoling.” “I have read other books by Ms. Orr and am glad I haven’t missed this one.” “Couldn’t put it down.”

Experience Alice’s Suspense Novel Series. Riverton Road Romantic Suspense Series. Five intense stories of love, death and intrigue. Available HERE.

Praise for Riverton Road Romantic Suspense Series. “Romance and suspense at its best.” “I highly recommend this page-turner series.” “Twists and turns, strong characters, suspense and passionate love.” “The writing is exquisite.”

Follow Alice on Substack. https://aliceorr.substack.com/

Ask Alice Your Crucial Questions. What are you most eager to know about telling your own real-life stories? Ask your question(s) as a Comment following this post.

http://facebook.com/aliceorrwriter/
http://twitter.com/AliceOrrBooks/

https://bsky.app/profile/aliceorr.bsky.social/
http://goodreads.com/aliceorr/
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