Oh No! I’m a Caregiver

Grandma and Grandpa Go West, , , , ,

Oh No! I’m a Caregiver. Grandma and Grandpa go west. Here’s how our journey actually began. I have written and taught and talked about how others can discover the best stories they have to tell. Stories from the center of their beating hearts. Now I have such a story myself.

A Cautionary Tale and an Important One. Why cautionary? Because it is about dementia, among other things. Dementia is a reality none of us wants to face, but face it we must. Why important? Because this story is also about long life, living well, and never too late. Each very important indeed.

My First Inkling Something Terrible was Happening? I know it was long before the day my husband Jonathan walked blithely out the door to what should have been a beneficial medical appointment. I also now know I should have questioned his insistence on going alone. Oh No! I’m a Caregiver

I had Sensed a Terrible Thing Looming. Maybe for as long as a year before that day. A quirk in the corner of my awareness. A ping of the antenna that usually urges me to pay attention to details. Unfortunately, my full attention would not become engaged until later. Not until the quirk turned into an alert. Not until the ping intensified into the screech of trouble careening toward us.

 I Cannot Tell You Exactly What to Look For. One small signal. Then another. Then another. My signals emerged from the experience of fifty-plus years with Jonathan. Not an easy passage – though I have never broadcast that before. I have portrayed us and our marriage as very easy indeed.

Couple Number One. Somebody declared us that once as we swept into some social event or other. Dolled up and delightful was our habit in those days. Scripted to present the intended image. A friend said. “… the kind of relationship I would have liked to have.” Our intention had been achieved.

The Intention Here is to be Authentic. The story of a real dilemma confronting real humans with real human problems. Most dementia stories focus on the details of the disease, not the details of the flawed lives the disease generally interrupts. Jonathan and I are flawed. Most humans are flawed.

Back to First inklings. Moments of confusion I brushed aside. Contemporary life can be confusing. Sometimes I find it difficult to discern what is up from what is down myself. Then, Jonathan’s memory lapses became more frequent. My inner alarm started pinging too insistently to ignore. Oh No! I’m a Caregiver

Let’s Find Out about This. I repeated that plea several times. The response was always the same. A sneer. A scoff. A burst of outrage. I backed off each time. I had veered too close to Jonathan’s anxiety triggers before and was not about to risk the result again. Not yet anyway.

I also Have a Temper – Fierce and Angry – Then Gone. Jonathan’s temper is usually repressed. Rageful when released. Building from the floor of him in a rush to explosion with shrapnel flying everywhere. Better not to be in that blast zone. Best not to trigger an explosion in the first place.

But I Had to Do Something. Jonathan’s annual primary care physician checkup was pending. I made my plea more specific. “Talk to her about your memory problems. Please. Get a referral to a neurologist.” He agreed. I should have remembered he does that when he wants to shut me up. Oh No! I’m a Caregiver

I Long to Recall the Exact Details of Jon’s Return Home. Where I stood. The quality of light in our apartment that afternoon. A vivid image to record in my journal. A picture peg upon which to hang the statement that signaled the first battle of the war to come that I would have to wage.

I Told Her My Wife Thinks I Forget Things. Jonathan smirked as he said that to me. It wasn’t difficult to imagine his winsome smile as he said it to his young doctor. Jonathan can be a charmer when that suits his purpose. Had he not charmed me into marrying him all those years before? Oh No! I’m a Caregiver

Lessons Learned. Feel free to benefit from them yourself.

  • Never Underestimate the Power of Denial. Nobody wants dementia. Not for yourself. Not for someone you love. It is a truth we do not wish to admit. Now or ever. Not to anyone.
  • Never Underestimate the Power of Self-Deception. First inclination is refusal to admit dementia exists in your life. To be blind to its presence and believe your blindness is light.
  • Never Underestimate the Absolutely Crucial Advantage of Early Detection. This is the real reason to see and recognize and admit the possibility of dementia where you wish and hope and pray it is not. Your quality of life depends on it.

All Wives Think their husbands Forget Things. That assumption closed the door to further testing at our conveniently local medical facility. Jonathan’s gatekeeper physician did not take me seriously.  Which plummeted me into a chasm of conflict with the medical system. Oh No! I’m a Caregiver

You Possess Storytelling Magic. Keep on Writing whatever may occur. Alice Orr. https://www.aliceorrbooks.com

 Alice Orr. Teacher. Storyteller. Former Editor and Literary Agent. Author of 15 novels, 2 novellas, a memoir, and No More Rejections: 50 Secrets to Writing a Manuscript that Sells.

 Read Alice’s Memoir. Lifted to the Light: A Story of Struggle and Kindness. At the beating heart of this moving story a woman fights to survive. All her life she has taken care of herself. Now she faces an adversary too formidable to battle alone. Available HERE.

 Praise for Lifted to the Light: A Story of Struggle and Kindness. “I was lifted. I highly recommend this book as a can’t-put-down roadmap for anyone.” “Very, very well written. Alice Orr is an amazing author.” “Honest, funny, and consoling.” “I have read other books by Ms. Orr and am glad I haven’t missed this one.” “Couldn’t put it down.”

 Experience Alice’s Suspense Novel Series. Riverton Road Romantic Suspense Series. Five intense stories of love, death and intrigue. Available HERE.

 Praise for Riverton Road Romantic Suspense Series. “Romance and suspense at its best.” “I highly recommend this page-turner series.” “Twists and turns, strong characters, suspense and passionate love.” “The writing is exquisite.”

 Ask Alice Your Crucial Questions. What are you most eager to know about telling your own real-life stories? Ask your question(s) as a Comment following this post.

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Have You Lost Your Mind?

Grandma and Grandpa Go West, , , , ,

Have You Lost Your Mind? Not another argument. Please. Raised voices. Angry faces. Nothing gained. We have been here before. My husband Jonathan and me, toe to toe, like the roosters in the painting that flared from our living room wall before we boxed up everything we own to move west.

The Enterprise we were Contemplating was Absurd. Relocation from New York City, where we had first relocated forty-five years before, to the west coast. At our age? Jonathan was seventy-six. I was about to turn eighty-five. What were we thinking?

“Have You Lost Your Mind? Why are You Doing This?” Many of our friends had come close to asking the same thing. This one didn’t bother being subtle about it. “Because it will be good for Jonathan,” I answered. Jonathan had been diagnosed with dementia, an early stage of the disease, but nonetheless an arbiter of our future life trajectory.

“What Do I Do?” After the diagnosis, I asked this of another friend who had gone through something similar with her partner. Her response was immediate and adamant. “Get help!” This particular woman is not given to overstatement. I understood that and began my search the next day.

I Found No Help in our Immediate Vicinity. Folks were caring and concerned and compassionate. I deeply appreciated that. But, no one said what I needed to hear. No one offered day-to-day, active, physical assistance. That was what I would require as Jonathan’s condition progressed.

I Explored Public Program Possibilities. I assumed there would be some form of practical relief available there, Instead, I was told we’d have to be reduced to $2500 in assets before we qualified for help. In other words, we would have to be pretty much destitute to be eligible.

 The Assets We Did Possess Were Insufficient. We would eventually need to hire home healthcare aides. We could not afford to do that very often for very long. We had fallen into the crack all of us of average means dread. The pressure stressed us both to distraction. Have You Lost Your Mind?

Then – A Miracle Happened. I consider it a miracle anyway. Another friend piped up from the opposite side of the continent. “Come out here,” she said. “I can help.” Our turn toward possibility began with those words. I will not pretend it has been an easy passage – especially for me.

New York City Became my Dream Town when I was Fifteen. That dream had not diminished in wattage since it first captured my imagination all those years past. I had lived elsewhere but was never similarly enraptured. I was a New Yorker to my core.

This was Less True for Jonathan. He envisioned the west as an opportunity to be productive again for as long as was feasible. Retirement had been a mixed bag for him. Lots of leisure, but not enough structure, not enough purpose. Not enough challenged him where we were. He wanted to move on.

Still – for Both of Us – There was the Immensity of the Thing. Uprooting from our comfortable apartment in Astoria, New York. Plopped down into a land far far away. My granddaughter has told me that saying “OMG” is as juvenile as using three exclamation points. All the same – “OMG!!!”

Many Toe-to-Toe ShoutUps Ensued. The move was off. The move was on. Our worst duster was about my motivation. I said would go only because it was good for Jonathan. He could not accept that. We were now a week short of our planned departure. Somebody’s acceptance was imperative.

For a New York Minute I Considered a Solo Sayonara. I could take off on my own into the whirl of the universe. Throw my hands up and walk away from the argument. Ignore my responsibility to fifty-three years of marriage? Others have done so, haven’t they? I could escape.

Except for One Thing. All those fifty-three years ago I had fallen in love with Jonathan. I am still singing that song. No real choice existed for me, last-minute or any time. Land far far away, here we come. Grandma and grandpa go west. But the question persists. Have You Lost Your Mind?

Tell Your Own Mind-Loss Story. Have you ever done something someone else considered crazy? What was their argument for the insanity of your intention? What was your response? When and where did this happen? Describe your adversary. Why did this person care so much about what you might do?

What, specifically, occurred in this situation? How did you feel back then, while it was happening? How do you feel about it now? Write your story. All of it. Straight from your heart.

Tell Your Brave Leap Story. Recall actually taking this bold risk. What prompted you to do such a thing? What did you need/want to get away from? What did you hope to find elsewhere? How, specifically, did you muster the courage to go through with it? You are the hero of your life story.  Write it that way. But tell me – Have You Lost Your Mind?

You Possess Storytelling Magic. Keep on Writing whatever may occur. Alice Orr. https://www.aliceorrbooks.com

Alice Orr. Teacher. Storyteller. Former Editor and Literary Agent. Author of 15 novels, 2 novellas, a memoir, and No More Rejections: 50 Secrets to Writing a Manuscript that Sells.

Read Alice’s Memoir. Lifted to the Light: A Story of Struggle and Kindness. At the beating heart of this moving story a woman fights to survive. All her life she has taken care of herself. Now she faces an adversary too formidable to battle alone. Available HERE.

Praise for Lifted to the Light: A Story of Struggle and Kindness. “I was lifted. I highly recommend this book as a can’t-put-down roadmap for anyone.” “Very, very well written. Alice Orr is an amazing author.” “Honest, funny, and consoling.” “I have read other books by Ms. Orr and am glad I haven’t missed this one.” “Couldn’t put it down.”

Experience Alice’s Suspense Novel Series. Riverton Road Romantic Suspense Series. Five intense stories of love, death and intrigue. Available HERE.

Praise for Riverton Road Romantic Suspense Series. “Romance and suspense at its best.” “I highly recommend this page-turner series.” “Twists and turns, strong characters, suspense and passionate love.” “The writing is exquisite.”

Ask Alice Your Crucial Questions. What are you most eager to know about telling your own real-life stories? Ask your question(s) as a Comment following this post.

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Welcome to “Grandma and Grandpa Go West” – My Name is Alice

Grandma and Grandpa Go West, , , ,

Welcome to “Grandma and Grandpa Go West” – My Name is Alice. In 1854, Horace Greeley said, “Go west, young man, and grow up with the country.” In 2025, my husband Jonathan and I heard, “Go west, decidedly mature couple, and see what happens.”

Going On Two Years Ago, Jonathan was Diagnosed with Dementia. He is at an early stage of the disease. Even so, it was a shock to say the least. We were living in New York City at the time – Astoria, Queens to be exact. We understood right off that this home place might not work for our new circumstances. We needed to make a move. But where would that move be?

Back in the Aughts We Went West to Help Raise Our Grandkids. We stayed for ten years on Vashon Island in Washington State. We loved it there but never intended that relocation to be permanent. We were New Yorkers after all, which is a state of mind as well as a state of place.

Now We Were Searching for a New Place. This time, that venue would most likely be permanent. Our first thought was of Vashon. Unfortunately, the island has become quite pricey, with few housing opportunities at any expense level. A knotty dilemma indeed – especially for me, the caregiver.

“Go West, You Two” was Lodged in Our Imaginations. To be totally honest, I was worried. We needed a specific destination – soon. When the possibility of an Idaho venue arose, we agreed, even though it was not our dream place. Welcome to “Grandma and Grandpa Go West” – My Name is Alice.

Then, a Mini-Miracle Occurred. Actually a maxi-miracle for us. A long-time Vashon friend invited us to share her house – a charming blue cottage in need of an upgrade. The perfect project for Jonathan, the upgrade king. She has also been increasingly isolated since her husband passed. This arrangement could work out well for all of us.

So – Here I am, Sharing Our Story. For many years, I have encouraged and taught others to share their real-life stories. To conjure them up and write it all down. Now I shall attempt to take my own advice. Welcome to “Grandma and Grandpa Go West” – My Name is Alice.

Tell Your Own Life Challenge Story. Have you ever confronted a situation that required making a risky change in your life? What was the toughest part of that challenge? When and where did it happen? Who was involved? What, specifically, occurred? How did you feel then? How do you feel about it now? Write your story. Straight from your heart.

Tell Your Own Heroic Story. Recall a time when you turned a dark moment to light in your life. What was the darkness? How did you bring light to the situation? Take pride in your accomplishment. You are the hero of this inspiring story. Portray yourself as such.

You are the Hero of Your Life Story. You experience difficulties. You persevere. You try your best to shield yourself and those you care about from harm. That is heroic. How does it feel to think of yourself as a hero in your life? Share those feelings in a response to this post. We would love to hear from you. Keep on Writing whatever may occur. Alice Orr. https://www.aliceorrbooks.com

Alice Orr. Teacher. Storyteller. Former Editor and Literary Agent. Author of 15 novels, 2 novellas, a memoir, and No More Rejections: 50 Secrets to Writing a Manuscript that Sells.

Read Alice’s Memoir. Lifted to the Light: A Story of Struggle and Kindness. At the beating heart of this moving story a woman fights to survive. All her life she has taken care of herself. Now she faces an adversary too formidable to battle alone. Available HERE.

Praise for Lifted to the Light: A Story of Struggle and Kindness: “I was lifted. I highly recommend this book as a can’t-put-down roadmap for anyone.” “Very, very well written. Alice Orr is an amazing author.” “Honest, funny, and consoling.” “I have read other books by Ms. Orr and am glad I haven’t missed this one.” “Couldn’t put it down.”

Experience Alice’s Suspense Novel Series. Riverton Road Romantic Suspense Series. Five intense stories of love, death and intrigue. Available HERE.

Praise for Riverton Road Romantic Suspense Series. “Romance and suspense at its best.” “I highly recommend this page-turner series.” “Twists and turns, strong characters, suspense and passionate love.” “The writing is exquisite.”

Follow Alice on Substack — https://aliceorr.substack.com/

Ask Alice Your Crucial Questions. What are you most eager to know about telling your own real-life stories? Ask your question(s) as a Comment following this post.

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